chicken or incapacitated?

There is no category in the dropdown list for raw anger and emotion so … I use none.
Well here it is, another drunken blog.
Tonight was good .. until I remembered my wife was dead. As I walked home from the nice going away party for my friend. Nice people, nice times … no Laurel to share it with.
Yesterday was the first date in the court case arising from her death in a car accident.
Funny how you don’t realize how large things are looming internally until after they’ve made their effects known by blowing up … in my case it was the emotional maelstrom following the brief court … uhmmm … ‘transaction’ is the only word I can come up with.
The woman who was driving the SUV that killed my wife, that’s YOU MAYA BLEINIS, did NOT show up for the first court appearance. So now we have to do it the hard way – pick you up and hold you until the next court date. Have the Sherif bring you to court.
I guess I’d been more worked up about it internally than I thought.
When there was nobody to put a face and person to the name … well stress started to appear then.
I shall have to wait.
You know what I take away from this?
I’m insulted.
I feel my wife Laurel is insulted.
Someone has been killed. Don’t you think that the least you should do is show up to face the charges?
I might rant on and on, dancing around the raw feelings I have and what they are doing to my psyche, but in some sense I’d be letting this killer wreak more havoc in my life. And making myself look like a maniac.
Well sooner or later Maya will face her fate.
If there’s something in there that is redeemable in some way then maybe the universe will look aside for a moment and she’ll have a chance at a way back – redemption per-se.
But if she’s conscience-free then, speaking to her directly now, I hope you go to prison and, the person you are now, die there. Never get out.
If that means you change so much that you’re a completely new person then so be it.
But if you merely serve nice and calmly your 1/3rd or 1/6th of whatever sentence you get without change … I worry that the world would be worse off after you return.
Better that you do not.
But who am I to do anything but wish …
I will let this out.
I self medicate and a side effect of that is that I do not remember my dreams.
I do, in fact, like this.
Now I have an added reason to like it … whatever sick and twisted things my dream self might be doing to a dream Maya … I don’t know about or have to worry about.
So some part of me that needs to do bad things to her … may get to … and I don’t have to let it affect me – good.
In the overall scheme of things it may be the only closure a part of me may ever get. So I hope the Maya in my dreams is paying whatever nasty price my dream self requires. IF my dream self has any effect on how some parallel world works out then maybe some Maya is in hell now … and another is coming back from there (I’m not all retribution and revenge).
I leave it to you , Maya, which one you must be in as you read this.
Right now I vote for hell … maybe you understand why, and if you do then maybe you have a chance.
But if you just die and go away I won’t be missing you.
Does that make me a bad person? … Maya – can it possibly compare to your callous disregard for life?
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