emotional muskeg

Somewhere in all of this I’ve become somehow disconnected from my emotions.
Kind of like my dreams – I know I have them but don’t remember them when I waken. I achieve that little feat on purpose but the disconnected emotions are involuntary.
I think it’s a self preservation mechanism that kicked in when the world became unbearably bad. In order to carry on a life while my spirit is alternately raging and tearing, and not have that come out in public (too often), something like a shield must have become constructed. Since I didn’t consciously do that (as near as I can remember) I’m usually not aware it’s there … and I have no clear idea of how to make it go away or change.
I do know it’s there …
Imagine being on a perfectly smooth high-speed bullet train and someone opens a door to the outside … and that’s when you see world rushing by, hear/feel the wind screaming along …
I’m either comfortably numb or full volume on. Whether it’s anger or sadness or desire or loneliness.
People see me bopping around, dancing in place as I’m listening to the mp3s in my player. They think I’m doing ok, maybe happy if a bit publicly goofy. I thought that for a while myself. Then I twigged that the physicality might harbour something else …
There’s a part of me that’s seething in anger and needs to get it out somehow. Things may happen in dreams but there’s no physical component – it’s just psycho shit. I’m sure it’s pretty psycho – another reason to not want to remember it.
Letting my body respond to the music gives it something to do and no one gets hurt. Another good thing about portable music – savage beast tamed and all that.
When I was a child we summered in the Whiteshell part of Manitoba. One of the freakier things was muskeg … I remember having the image of walking on this thin, springy, moss covered layer with a river of water running underneath. And the feeling that falling through a hole in the muskeg might be a one way ticket to drowning.
This emotional shield is my muskeg … the emotions below are a fast running stream that threatens to drown me when I puncture the shield …
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